Your Guide To Alcohol In College

You are in college and you want to have fun but don’t really want to get expelled. I get it! Here is a solution. Don’t do it in college. But still if you want to ignore the self-proclaimed sage’s advice, and make your mom proud, I would suggest undermentioned options for different college situations.

 

1. Fresher’s Party/Any college party:

It’s foolish to start with a topic I have much less experience with. But, you don’t really need dime value of wisdom to know that everything kind of works in a party. Do whatever the fuck you want. Throw up on the floor and dance, I don’t care.

2. Morning Lectures:

You don’t want to sleep during the lectures and attract attention, do you? Well, I have just the perfect poison for you. Go for light vodka like Fuel or Vladivar in blueberry soda and a green Apple. Save the expensive Vodka, it will leave you dead. Since it starts working a little late, you won’t trip on your way to your desk. Also, the fancy green Apple will camouflage your unhealthy lifestyle.

3. Break:

You are hungry and you don’t like the taste of alcohol but you are a spoiled brat. Brace yourself for 3-4 hrs of lectures with White Rum. Tastes super fine and goes with your lunch. I don’t hold a diploma in prescribing diets so don’t expect me to give you a calorie chart or healthy “mixing” options. Eat a carrot!

4. Presentations or events:

This is my secret to fucked up presentations. Scotch-Whiskey miniature (Vat 69 or 100 pipers) with a small carton of mixed juice. It won’t leave you drunk and will help you get through the shit you were not totally ready to face. Also, it makes you smile more, so you take criticism gracefully and don’t pull out your gun to shoot women and kids.

5. Labs:

I always loved going to Labs so didn’t really try much. If you want to get drunk in Labs, don’t get in labs. You will break stuff, and won’t understand anything. Professors will taunt you for being what you are. Then you will start crying and break more stuff. That will get you suspended. Not worth the trouble. Leave the lab. Or take black rum for the thrill. It will help you aggressively defend yourself, at the very least.

6. Practical Exams:

You are interested in this so most probably you are not a teacher’s pet. You can’t expect two big swigs before practical exams to help you. This is the time to get totally wasted. Like Charlie Sheen wasted. Like head-touching-the-floor-and-legs-on-the-fence wasted. Like crying-on-the-phone wasted. Next day, you will have a fantastic hang over. This is the day you appear for practical exams. Bathe and know that you are going to nail this.
You probably won’t though because you didn’t study. Drink water all the time. If examiner asks you something, drink water. He will probably think you are tired and can’t remember stuff.

7. Post Exams:

Beer. Another option?
More Beer.

 

P.S. It’s illegal and stuff to buy alcohol before certain age and blah blah. I am not encouraging anyone, use your fuckin brain.

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